I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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