i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
