I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Pooping to opera.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
