Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
