but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
