he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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