we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
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