my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
