I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Randomize
