So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
