i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Randomize
