we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
It's blow job season.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
