this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
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