woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
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