We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
