I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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