just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
