and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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