Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
