but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
