seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
