everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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