My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
