My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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