Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
