I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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