I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
