He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
