can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
