conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
