Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
My vagina is very pro this idea
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
