peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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