I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Randomize
