You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
