she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
