He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
