Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
