i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I think I won the penis lottery.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
