Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Randomize
