Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
i would punch a child for taco bell
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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