The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
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