mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
im on a boat
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