Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
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