I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Randomize
