atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Randomize
