I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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