I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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