I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize