nut hugger
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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