u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
