Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
