I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
