oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
