we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
