Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Randomize
