I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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